Tag Archives: Parody

An Early Hanukkah Gift: From “Royals” To “Oils”

She's not yet lost all her gelt.

She’s not yet lost all her gelt.

Like to get festive just a little bit early? I offer you this. Hanukkah may still be a little ways away (two weeks from today), but I thought I would throw my hat into the ring and offer up some lyrics that you can sing along to for the big day. After all, it’s a time to be joyous and celebrate and maybe discover a parody or two online in the meantime. So, here I am celebrating at the expense of 17-year-old Lorde‘s massive #1 single that’s still topping the charts and might be purchased with some lucky gift cards during this season. I hope you enjoy my little tune (and don’t eat too many potato latkes – your stomach will pay for it the next day.)

Have a great Hanukkah,
Adam

(P.S. If you’re liking it, let me know below or on social media, and I’ll be sure keep the fun continuing on the blog during this holiday season.)

“OILS”
A parody of Lorde’s “Royals”
From the (fictitious) album Pure Hanukkah

[Verse 1]
I’ve never spun a dreidel painted fresh
I cut my lip on chocolate gelt from the wrapper
But they’re so proud of how I blessed
At the menorah, then we play after

[Bridge]
And every game’s like
Roll shin, don’t win, put another coin back
Next play, roll hey, now I’m picking up half
I don’t share, we’re drinking Manischewitz ‘til it’s clean
And then the game goes
Nun’s up, no luck, get it on the next shot
What skill, gimel, now you’ve won the whole pot
I don’t share
Now, here’s the story of our answered prayers

[Chorus]
We don’t have enough oils (oi-ls)
To run the length of Hanukkah
Yeah, that supply will never stay
We need the stuff that runs eight days
Reading ‘bout how the Jews were (Jews were)
You can call them Maccabees
Miracles come true (come true, come true, come true)
Let me live that history

[Verse 2]
We stuff our mouths with sufganiyot
Say “Chag Sameach” in the car to our Grandma’s
And in the window, candles glow
Unwrapping gifts, no time for Santa

[Bridge]
And back to dreidel like
Roll shin, don’t win, put another coin back
Next play, roll hey, now I’m picking up half
I don’t share, we’re drinking Manischewitz ‘til it’s clean
And then the game goes
Nun’s up, no luck, get it on the next shot
What skill, gimel, now you’ve won the whole pot
I don’t share
Now, here’s the story of our answered prayers

[Chorus]
We don’t have enough oils (oi-ls)
To run the length of Hanukkah
Yeah, that supply will never stay
We need the stuff that runs eight days
Reading ‘bout how the Jews were (Jews were)
You can call them Maccabees
Miracles come true (come true, come true, come true)
Let me live that history

[Middle 8]
Oh, oh, oh-oh
My latkes are the dish supreme
So pass around the sour cream
Oh, oh, oh-oh
And applesauce, the perfect pair
The Festival of Lights is in the air

[Chorus]
We don’t have enough oils (oi-ls)
To run the length of Hanukkah
Yeah, that supply will never stay
We need the stuff that runs eight days
Reading ‘bout how the Jews were (Jews were)
You can call them Maccabees
Miracles come true (come true, come true, come true)
Let me live that history

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If Only… The Christmas Songs Left Off The Record (A Parody)

Wrapper's delight.

Wrapper’s delight.

Your holiday playlist may be filled with lots of Christmas standards, but unfortunately, the A&R department over at Santa’s music HQ didn’t approve these could-have-been classics. Alas, with a little bit of fun and imagination, we can remember these ten songs left on the cutting room floor.

ADELE – “Rudolph Has It”
Off her cancelled Christmas release, 25, this foot-stopper of a track, producer by Ryan Sledder, maybe just have broken up the reindeer when they found out that Rudolph was stalling the sleigh from leaving the North Pole. Bless his nose, he’s really got his head in the clouds, and this one got a head-start at being chopped off the tracklisting.

BRUNO MARS – “It Will Reindeer”
An alternative remix from the film soundtrack to Twlight: Breaking Down, in which the weight of Santa’s sleigh becomes too heavy to handle, this moody track sets the stage for a bummer of a holiday when Dominic The Donkey couldn’t join the lineup in dragging the sled full of toys. If you want a more upbeat track, check out his newest release, a frustrating romp for presents entitled “Locked Out Of Walmart”.

CARLY RAE JEPSEN – “Coal Me Maybe”
With a hit song that was just about as catchy as the common cold, this Christmas remix about a girl who really wants her bad boy elf is enough to send her straight back to Canada. Trust me, it’s not always a good time. Better load up on the medicine.

DEMI LOVATO – “Give Your Hearth A Break”
Lovato had a starring role as a judge on The X Factor this year, but the girl needs to give it a rest with factoring in all the decorating. It’s campier than Camp Rock and that is saying something. She is certainly a Disney girl no more.

FLO RIDA – “Mistle (Toe)”
“Whistle” may have made “Ring My Bell” look tame, but “Mistle (Toe)” is ringing all the bells once again as Flo raps about the holidays in Dade County. Just watch out when the mistletoe is hanging real low, low, low, low. You’ll turn right round and that’ll be something else.

FUN. – “Some Flights”
Ever waited countless hours at the airport for the flight home for Christmas? Listen to these horrible tales from the group of crying children, no leg room and cheap programming on the overhead pull-out television. Most flight attendants, they don’t know any more. Civil War reenactment not included.

GOTYE featuring KIMBRA – “Somebody That I Used To Noel”
Talk about “The Worst Noel”. This duet, with lyrics more loaded than fruitcake, will give you a punch as hard as the three glasses of eggnog you just wolfed down. Yes, they did have to cut you off; at least the tree was trimmed already.

TAYLOR SWIFT – “We Are Never Ever Getting Ugly Sweaters”
Instead of tearing her boyfriends to pieces this holiday season, Miss Swift will have to pull out fiber by fiber her most hated Christmas gift. Even if people don’t know her fashion sense, she’s sure got a whole lot of cents to make up for it.

Bonus cuts:
KE$HA – “Do You Hurl What I Hurl?”
An annual Christmas anthem turned twisted, this hammered hit would’ve quickly compensated for all the radio stations that are dropping “Die Young”. Don’t you wanna hear what the barefoot girl said to the mighty police officer? This song’s about to blow. (I first mentioned this one on a blog last year.)

ROD STEWART – “Da Ya Think I’m Santa?”
He makes a whole album of Christmas songs and he can’t even sing this gem? From the top album of the season, this track, marrying the disco strings of the late 1970’s with a children’s choir, would’ve been the dance hit that ruled the airwaves. Unfortunately, he’ll have to settle for another round of “Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It Snow” for a few more days. Bah humbug.

Well, I hope you enjoyed this look back at these songs that will never happen, but hey, maybe a little wishful thinking and a letter to ol’ Saint Nick could help the process along a bit. You’ll be seeing many of these titles, in regular form, of course, on my year-end chart, being posted right here on the blog starting tomorrow. Until then, happy shopping! (Merry Christmas, too.)

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